Trust

Trust is something that has always been difficult for me. I like for things to make sense, to be able to plan ahead, and to have things operate according to my schedule. Who doesn't? But when things don't go according to plan and are impossible to make sense of, what choice do we have except to trust? It's not a valiant or admirable thing, it's just that there simply is no other option. I asked God to help me with trusting Him more before we came to Guatemala. I just had no idea what that process would involve and just how painful it would be.

I, obviously, never would have chosen to have surgery in Guatemala. I have strong American loyalty and biases -- I was skeptical of health care here and thought that it couldn't possibly be as good as at home. Now, I know this is exactly where I needed to be. I told my doctor, Dr. Ruata, when I left the hospital on Saturday that I don't think that I could have made it through this without him -- he was like Jesus walking me through each step.

At 8 am on Friday morning, Dr. Ruata met me at his clinic. He sat down with us and explained everything that was going to take place. Then he walked with me to the hospital, took me through Admissions, and then stayed by my side through a second-opinion ultrasound that he had set up with the radiologist. It was difficult for me because the ultrasound was on the maternity ward of the hospital. I had wanted to be there under very different circumstances. Dr. Ruata held my hand and rubbed my arm as the tears slipped down my cheeks.

I haven't decided yet if it was good or not for me to see the ultrasound photos that morning. It was good in the sense that I could see the baby and say goodbye. I knew what was coming so I wasn't surprised when the radiologist shook his head, confirming what Dr. Ruata had told me the day before. Of course, there was that small piece of me that hoped for something different, but yet the confirmation wasn't a surprise. What was bad about the ultrasound was that the image is now frozen in my brain. Dr. Ruata told me that they removed "disorganized tissue" that in no way resembled a baby. However, due to the miracle of ultrasound, the image was so enhanced that I could see the tiny frame of a baby, laying on its side, motionless at the bottom of the sack with one little arm sticking up in the air. A pathetic, lifeless little person. That was not "disorganized tissue." It was a baby and not just any baby... it was my baby.

I was surprised that I was not put to sleep before entering the operating room. As I was laying under the big metal lights, looking at everyone in their masks and seeing the trays of tools, the tears began again. The anesthesiologist grabbed my hand and said, "I know you are scared, I am going to give you something to relax you." I responded that it wasn't so much that I was scared, just very sad. He looked at me with eyes of understanding, squeezed my hand, and told me that his wife had miscarried with their first child and now they have "a precious angel Matthew" and that someday I would too. He was very kind. He then told me he had given me something that would make me very sleepy. I said, "I'm not sleepy" and that is the last thing that I remember for the next four hours.

I now have no doubts about Guatemalan health care. The doctors and nurses lovingly cared for me. Everything was clean and of high-quality. Even the food was very good (thankfully no black beans or plantains!). Their thoughtfulness was amazing to me. Dr. Ruata ordered an extra meal tray for Daniel so that he could eat dinner and breakfast with me. When we left the hospital, we were given a five page bill, which I was shocked only totaled $2,029. Why is medical care so expensive in the U.S.?

Recovering Well

Sorry that I did not get anything posted yesterday to update everyone on how Kara's procedure went, but the surgery took place later in the day than originally planned so we ended up staying overnight in the hospital. The doctor said that everything went very well and we were very pleased with how our hospital took very good care of Kara. We came back to the children's home this morning. Kara is tired, but so far feeling very well as she hasn't had to take any pain medicine.

Obviously we're still processing this and trying to work our way through it. We can't tell you how much of an encouragement all of your comments and emails have been to us. We have known a lot of people who have been through this and it really has meant a lot to hear from so many of you.

I have been especially impressed by Kara's attitude through all of this, and we know that is due to so many of you praying for us. Sure, we've been sad, but she has also been able to trust the Lord in a very deep way through this and has been the source of encouragement that I have needed.

We will be writing more soon... I think being able to share our thoughts via this blog will be a good outlet for both of us. For now, though, we just wanted to update you all and thank you for your support.

Devastating News

I sincerely hope that I will not have to write a more difficult blog post than this one during our time in Guatemala. This afternoon was my second appointment with the doctor. Daniel and I were thrilled to see on the ultrasound that the baby had doubled in size, the sack looked great (according to the doctor) and we could see little limbs.

Then the doctor looked at me with a very serious look on his face, laid a hand on my knee and said, "I'm afraid I don't have good news." He went on to explain that he could not detect any movement or heart beat. While I am nine weeks into pregnancy, the baby's development had stopped at seven weeks. Nothing can prepare you to hear those words. Although I was hearing him, it didn't seem real. I wanted to ask him to say it again because I thought maybe I didn't hear right the first time. My doctor is a very kind and gentle man and his face conveyed great concern. He said how sorry he was and that sometimes these things just happen and there is no reason. He said my blood test results were great, everything in the formation looked great and there simply is just not a reason.

I was in shock and began to ask silly questions in desperation such as, just because there is no movement and heartbeat now, maybe there will be later? He had wonderful patience with me and said I can come by his office at 8 am tomorrow morning and he will check again. Then we will need to go on to the hospital to have a D&C (surgery to remove the baby). I trust my doctor and know that he is right that this needs to be done but it is so hard to let go.

We could definitely use your prayers right now. Your prayers have gotten us through some pretty tough times here already and I know they will carry us through this difficult time too. I have had Matt Redman's song "Blessed Be Your Name" stuck in my head since yesterday. It is based on passages of Job. One section says "you give and take away, but my heart will choose to say, blessed be Your name." I know that is going to be a difficult choice for Daniel and me in the coming days, but God's name be blessed for He holds us in His hands and knows what is best for us. I thank Him for the nine weeks that He allowed me to carry this precious little life in my body.

The Champions

I'm not sure what they won, but congratulations to Josue, Samy, and Giovani! You win black beans for life!

Intermissions 2007

Over the weekend we were able to attend our first Intermissions conference in Antigua. Intermissions is a conference for missionaries all over Guatemala, and this year we had over 600 people in attendance. It was neat to get to meet some other missionaries and hear their stories- especially from one couple who has been here 51 years!

One of the unique things about the conference was that they have people called "servant teams" who volunteer to come down from the states and give free haircuts, massages, or pedicures to missionaries here. We even met one man who did fundraisers and paid some of his own cost to come down here and give free foot rubs to people all weekend! That's a guy who has learned how to serve!

A highlight for us was one night after the services we had a "hymn-sing", where they passed out the hymnals and the praise band played requests for about an hour. It was great to sing all of those old songs with a bunch of people who really enjoyed singing them. (For our Bright Star friends, Ivan would have been whooping and hollering!)

Who Says Baptists Can't Dance?

Jesus told us to make disciples of all nations, but he didn't specify exactly how. Here is part of how the team from Highland Baptist Church of Waco, TX tried to go about it.

The Calm Before the Storm

Right now, I'm sitting in a lush garden in 80 degree weather checking my email. This is about as calm as things have been since we got back to NLCH, and it's not going to last for long. Starting later today, Kara and I will get our first taste of working with teams that come down from the states. We have a group of 20 coming from Highland Baptist Church in Waco, TX to help with Intermissions (a conference for missionaries in Guatemala) in Antigua this weekend.

Now that I've been driving in Guatemala for a week, I get the chance to drive a 15 passenger van full of people around the city. The group will have a pizza party here with the kids tonight, and then we head to Antigua tomorrow to enjoy the conference for the weekend. When we return on Sunday, the group from Highland will have a program for our kids.

Then we'll have a few days to get ready for our spring break teams- one from LakeRidge UMC in Lubbock, TX March 11-18, and the next one from Asbury College (led by my buddy Paul) March 17-24.

By the way- incase any of you are interested in keeping up in more detail with what teams do while they are here, go to www.nlchteams.blogspot.com and www.nlch.net.