The other day I was reading a book that said there is a higher incidence of SIDS among boys between the ages of two to four months and that it most often occurs during the cold months of the year. That night, I didn’t sleep well. I kept worrying about Ethan and imagined finding him as a victim of SIDS and how devastating that would be. Obviously, the more I thought about this, the more my level of fear rose. I even got up twice to check on him.
This fear reminded me of many months ago when we first found out that we were expecting Ethan. A week later, I started bleeding. My doctor ordered medication and bedrest. The bleeding would get better and then start again. I ended having to be on bedrest for five weeks. It was such an emotional time for Daniel and me. After losing our first child to miscarriage, I became paralyzed by fear and convinced that I was going to lose this pregnancy too. Five weeks spent in bed give you lots of time to think and worry. It did, however, also give me a lot of time for prayer. I realized that fear was enslaving me and robbing me of the joy of a little life developing and forming inside of me. I knew realistically that my fear wouldn’t stop when the baby was born – there would always be something new to worry about (like SIDS!) with each new stage of his life.
Laying in bed one of those early days of bedrest, worrying again about the developing baby, it was one of the only times in my life when I felt that I was given a specific verse of scripture -- Psalm 139:5-6, “You hem me in – behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.” This verse brought me great comfort as I imagined the baby “hemmed in,” protected in a safe pocket of God’s hands. The specialness of this verse for Ethan was confirmed to me when my sister-inlaw unexpectedly sent me an email saying that she was praying this verse for the baby. What a gift of encouragement that was! I can’t tell you how many times I recited it and imagined the baby protected in God’s hands throughout my pregnancy.
I also was helped by great words of wisdom from a lady that I met through the children’s home. I shared my fears with her in an email and she responded, “I surely can relate to the worry. I've watched my mother worry herself into a joyless life. I guess I should say it has been a blessing because it has taught me to focus on the every blessing, enjoy it, and trust that if you had nothing more it would be sufficient. Of course there are all sorts of perils out there in front of our babies, but the Lord is the creator of the universe. Surely he will guard each moment of your precious child's life -- and when hard times come, His grace is sufficient. Having those worry tendencies can be a blessing -- each time we are tempted to worry, we can stop to appreciate every little ounce of joy in the moment. Shut out all fear of the future and praise God for the moment you are in. I tell my kids all the time, 'If the Lord decided to take you back tomorrow I'd be heartbroken, but OH SO grateful for the joy we've had -- far more than most -- I treasure you and each new moment is a great gift I wasn't necessarily expecting.'"
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3 comments:
Kara,
I really enjoyed this post because I can relate to your fears of losing Ethan. I often find myself waking up at night so paranoid that something is wrong with Hazel. As you said, I think reminding myself that Hazel is ultimately in God's hands is tremendous. Every night, I have to remind myself that she belongs to Him and that He will keep her safer and provide for her so much better than I can! Thanks for once again reminding me of this important lesson!
I too can relate to your fears. And of course, trying to sleep after reading that is just not going to happen. I still get flashes of panic at night and go in and check on the girls. It is part of the blessing/curse of being a parent, I guess. It eases as he passes through those stages, but it never goes away. So learning to lean, to trust, to let it go is the only option.
He's so adorable.
I know it may sound strange coming from a guy, but I also understand. I am the worrier in our house. I check on both kids multiple times each night and sometimes just stand by their beds and watch them breathing. I had a cousin who died from SIDS, so this has always been a fear of mine. It does get better, but for some of us it never totally goes away.
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